When The Pizza Doesn't Arrive
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC! Lily, James, Sirius, Remus and Snape are all looking after Harry, when they run out of food in a bizzare situation. How do they cope and what do they do to amuse themselves? CRACK SO DON'T FLAME!


_For Vitzy, who specifically requested this & gave me the basic plot bunny the other day XD_

_I hope you like it XD_

_I don't own anything_

*FYI, Snape is… well, not a Death Eater & is just about accepted by the Marauders*

* * *

~x~

Snape walks up the path towards the little cottage in Godric's Hollow and swallows: he has _accepted_ the request Lily asked of him to come to spend the Easter holiday with her, James Potter, Sirius, Remus and the brat that she had with the biggest, most egotistical prat of all. On his _life_, he cannot understand why he accepted the offer, but he believes that the reason was something to do with the glutton of alcohol he had consumed before she made her request – when she was still sober.

Still, he thinks grimly, he has fourteen bottles of vodka and other spirits in his bag, just incase things get so bad that he has to drink himself to death if they don't let him out the house. Something tells him that they won't allow him to have his wand around 'incase he attacks Harry', though they'll be allowed _theirs_ because it is _James'_ house.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by a disdainful looking Sirius, who still remembers his little trick of the other year, when he tried to get Snape to go down the tunnel to Lupin when he was in his werewolf form. "Hello, Snivellius, did you manage to find the werewolf yet?" he asks him cheerfully, ignoring Snape's look of pure hatred. "Easy does it, Sniv; there's a child living here and we don't want him getting sick because you can't wash your hair now, do we?" he continues, holding his nose dramatically as Snape passes him by into the small living room in which the others are.

"Oh… I thought you said it would be the pizza delivery guy, Lil!" James says despondently, as he looks at Snape. "Because he's brought _alcohol_, but not food," he continues, grassing up Snape's items in the bags he holds.

"Only because I know that it's going to be torture, being with _these_ numbskulls!" Snape defends himself as the red-haired beauty walks into the room… carrying her baby boy, which instantly detracts from the beauty, in Snape's eyes.

She rolls her eyes. "James, Sirius, are you already being nasty to poor Sev?" she asks them harshly, ignoring their lied protests of innocence. Then she turns this harsh expression to Snape, who shudders under the intensity of her glare. "Sev, we don't have alcohol in places where Harry could drink it. After all, would _you_ want a drunk baby?"

"If he's anything like his father… never mind," he begins to mutter, until the darkness in her glare reminds him of the glares fellow Slytherins gave him. "I'm going, I'm going!" he protests, walking into the kitchen to place the drinks in the top cupboard.

As he walks back through to the living room, he looks down to see Lupin sitting on the floor by the door. "What the _hell_ are you doing down there?" Snape says as he almost trips over the almost corpse like body.

"Do you _really_ think I can stomach the sounds of a baby twenty four seven?" he asks rhetorically, smiling wanly as he stands up. "I need a little release every now and then…" he continues and Snape catches sight of a little glass in his hand, signalling he has been over here to drink. A man after his own heart in the Potter household, after all!

Snape and Remus head back across to the others, where James is now proceeding to allow Harry to climb all over his face until…

"LILY!" James roars so loudly that Snape half expects the dead down in the graveyard over the other side of the village would be raised in shock.

"What is it _now_, James?" she asks him irately, stepping out of the shadows behind him.

"He… he _puked_ on me!" James snivels, causing the other three men in the house to burst out laughing, just as the baby begins to cry. _Justice at last_, Snape thinks with a laugh to himself, just as Lily makes the sick vanish and lifts the baby from him.

"Me and Harry are going to go upstairs whilst you wait for the pizza," she says sternly. "If I hear _one_ bad word, I'm going to come back down with one of Harry's _extremely_ unpleasant poos and force that person to _eat it_!"

They all shudder violently enough that Lily decides that they _are_ remorseful enough and can be trusted, so she heads upstairs, murmuring softly to the baby in her arms. Downstairs, however, the silence is so deathly that Snape half expects himself to have died a billion times over under the intensity of their glares.

"So… why are we having pizza?" he asks randomly, to break the silence.

"Because _you're_ coming round," Sirius says in a low tone, barely concealing a 'nasty tone'.

James shakes his head but laughs slightly. "Nahhh, it's cause there isn't much food in the house and, well, I forgot to go shopping and Lily wouldn't let me magic some food in from the shops, so pizza is the only option," he blushes slightly as he twirls his wand in his fingers, just as the others begin to laugh at _him_ again.

"What food is there in the house because I am _starving_," Sirius stares off in the direction of the kitchen as James ponders this.

"Um… figs, a couple meat pies from about a month ago in the back of the fridge and then some like frozen chips and stuff that could sustain us all for about an hour with your appetite," he narrows his eyes as he tries to remember. "Oh and about fifty billion pots of pureed food for Harry. He's such a greedy bugger!"

"James Potter, I _heard_ that!" Lily's whip sharp voice calls from upstairs.

"Sorry, love!" James replies, a grin on his face. "I wouldn't recommend _anyone_ eating that. It's like… it's like what they must have forced prisoners to eat in the dungeons!"

He and Sirius exchange a look of something that Snape doesn't recognise before both bursting into laughter, as Remus simply stays quiet. Though he doesn't understand _why_, Snape gets the idea that they're having a pop at him, causing a blush to rise on his cheeks as he remembers just _how_ much he hates these two Gryffindors.

Unfortunately, none of them can speak for fear of eating poo, but as they draw their wands, they remember the amazing invention of non-verbal spells.

With grunts on all sides, Snape shoots various spells at James and Sirius, who retaliate at the same time. Snape has to both attack and defend at the same time, so jumps sideways across the sofa to roll behind it somehow in a ridiculous move that is more befitting to a Muggle ballerina than a greasy haired wizard, using this as a cover to prevent them attacking him.

BANG!

The combination of Sirius and James' spells result in a huge bang and an even bigger hole being procured in the sofa, just to the left of where Snape is hiding.

"What is going on down there?" Lily shrieks down the stairs but is ignored, just as Snape shoots a spell back at James, resulting in the seeker being reduced to the size of a goblin for the next thirty seconds.

Sirius retaliates by transfiguring the sofa into a Boggart, which, as soon as Snape looks at it, turns into the four marauders after him, resulting in there now being seven marauders (Lupin had to join in after James came and stomped on his foot… hard) against one poor little Snape, who doesn't have a sofa to protect him anymore.

So he uses his one secret weapon, a spell that he made that makes something happen that is so secret he never actually found out. It sounds a bit of a rubbish spell, but it's meant to work in all mysterious ways to make cool things happen…

… apart from when it collides with a freezing spell, that is.

As the purple and yellow jets of light combine, they end up spreading around and turning into an almost gooey liquid, making their way to the windows and doors. The liquid thing covers the windows so that light can no longer get in, snaking all along the walls to get to _every_ window and outside door into the house in the entire building.

"Whoa," James says as he is returned to full height from the goblin spell – he turned actually _into_ a goblin, which wasn't very nice. You see, goblins _smell_ and when James (who still smells of sick) is turned into one, he combines his own _distinct_ aroma with the scent of a goblin… and the result is even more ickiness than normal. "I think we're locked in," he comments with his vast intelligence, the fact the door can no longer be seen sort of aiding this belief.

"I doubt it!" Sirius scoffs, shaking his head. "That moron isn't a good enough wizard to produce a spell to do that! And why would he _want_ to?"

Sirius, ever fearless in proving his point, goes across to the window and sticks a finger out. As it connects with the puce coloured gooey stuff (reminding James of his son's sick), it sends an electric jolt through his body and makes him shake.

"I LOVE PONIES!" he shrieks randomly before sinking down to the floor, a scream escaping his lips as his head connects with the hard floor. But then he falls unconscious and is ignored by the three men standing down there in utter disbelief.

Lily chooses this time to come down the stairs, her red hair bouncing on her shoulders as her face is contorted in anger in regards to the treatment of her home by the four men downstairs. But as she sees the goo on the windows and door, her expression changes to one of confusion.

"What on _earth_ is that?" she asks, stepping forwards as if to touch it.

"NO!" James cries, jumping across the room to crash into his wife, knocking them both to the ground with a bang. "Sorry, Lil, but if you touch that, you end up like Sirius," he motions to the body beside them on the floor, with purple tentacles beginning to sprout out of his orifices.

She shudders and is helped to her feet by her best friend Snape, who is the only person who hasn't bumped into her today – Lupin knocked her over with her tray of cookies earlier – who smiles slightly in response to her neutral expression.

"Will you tell me what has gone on?" she asks, her voice like knives.

"Well, we cast a few spells and then two combined and this stuff went all over the doors and windows," James shrugs his shoulders as if this is nothing. "We can't get out and when Sirius stupidly tried, that happened to him. oh and he screamed so loudly I'm half expecting those weird bobble things that you say to come round."

"You mean bobbies?" she confirms, shaking her head at her husband's inability to associate with Muggle names for things. "So what do we _do_?" she continues, her head tilting to the ceiling.

"I don't know… play a game?" Snape suggests with a small smile, conjuring a scrabble board out of thin air because he remembers it is her favourite game.

She smiles slightly and shrugs, looking over at the other two in the room. "Why not?" she sighs. "After all, we could be in here for a long time…"

* * *

_Seven hours later…_

"No, _I_ win!" Lily yells at her husband and Lupin, ignoring their looks of disbelief. "You screwed up earlier, James, which allowed me and Sev to be able to get that fifty point word which has meant that _we have more points than you!"_

"You're wrong, Lil," James says to her, hating losing even more than she does.

"I think you've forgotten that we wouldn't be _doing _this if you hadn't have locked us in here!" she says venomously, bringing up the card that has cumulated in Sirius still lying unconscious on the floor. "Speaking of the locking of the doors and windows, did the pizza delivery boy turn up?" she asks, her brow furrowing as she looks at the door.

"Nahh," James says, stretching back as he lies on the sofa, giving up on arguing with his wife in regards to scrabble. "I remembered about the whole Fidelius Charm thing and realised one of us would have needed to be at the end of the path to get the pizza," he sighs and Lily nods.

Suddenly, the wailing of the baby previously forgotten in the engrossment of scrabble alerts the adults to remember that Harry is upstairs and hasn't been fed in a while… and speaking of food.

"I'm hungry," Sirius says suddenly, waking up suddenly as he thinks of food. Slowly, he sits upright and turns to face the others (besides Lily, who has raced off to Harry), his face just about back to normal as he grimaces. "I mean, it's been about _eight_ hours since I last ate. What have I been _doing_?" he continues, managing to get to his feet.

For the first time _ever_, Snape and James exchange glances and burst out into simultaneous laughter, Lupin shaking his head in disbelief at Sirius.

"You tried to leave with the goo on the windows and then you were knocked unconscious," James informs his best friend with a laugh, turning away from Snape as if he has suddenly realised who he has been laughing with.

Sirius stands up and shakes his head, clutching his stomach. "I'm hungry! Is there any pizza left?" he assumes that they have already eaten and James shakes his head.

"No, we didn't get the pizza… so there's only figs or Harry's baby food," he says, suddenly standing up and running through to the kitchen to rake through the cupboards. He finds absolutely nothing there, besides the aforementioned food (he _did _throw out those meat pies) and returns to the living room with a heavy heart. "I'm _hungry_ now!" he moans like Sirius does as he sits down.

Lily walks down the stairs at this time, smiling because _she_ isn't hungry – she has her own little food stash upstairs that she isn't going to tell the others about because it is their fault that they are trapped in here. "Why are you moaning _now_?" she asks, rolling her eyes as she carries baby Harry through to his high chair.

"We're hungry," James sighs, tilting his head back to see his son being set in his high chair with a pot of food on his table.

At the same time as James contemplates eating Harry's food, Sirius gets a bright idea. "Wait… there's the little brat," he says slowly, his eyes seeing only food in Harry's small body. "I'm sure there's enough on his bones to sustain us a couple of days till we figure out how to get out of here."

"Sirius Orion Black, you are _not_ eating my baby!" Lily shrieks at him, her voice so shrill that the others in the room cover their ears surreptitiously. "If you want to eat Harry, go try and kill him! But know that what Voldemort would do to you would be _nothing_ compared to how I would mutilate _your_ body and force your friends to eat you. Do you understand?"

Sirius nods, horrified, but in his mind continuing to imagine roasting the fat and juicy body of Harry on a fire. It would have to be one of those really cool pyre fires that they used to roast 'witches' on, with him tied to a stake in the middle, as anything else would just be passé and _so_ not befitting of eating to survive.

James notices the glint in his best friend's eyes and draws his wand once again, a fierce protectiveness over his son rising in his chest, beating the hunger. "If you try and eat my son, I will force you to eat Snivellius' hair and _then_ I shall allow Lily to kill you, understand?" he points his wand at his 'friend', watching as he shivers with the thought of having to eat the greasy wizard's hair.

"Sure," Sirius says, turning away from Harry who is scoffing away his baby food with such an alarming speed that he half expects him to be going in for some sort of marathon when he is older. Then a thought hits him. "Well, since we have figs, why don't we eat them?" he contemplates the idea of eating icky figs _but transfiguring them to taste nice!_

Lily shakes her head at the fact that they are continuing to want to eat but agrees to fetch the figs, along with Snape's alcohol, conceding that they_ do_ need a pick me up after this calamity.

"I'm going to try and get us out of here," she says, taking her glass of wine upstairs with her as she decides to leave the menfolk (suddenly rushing back to get Harry) to hang out by themselves as she rescues them.

The four adults sit in silence, Snape on the far side of the room as the others scoff the figs whilst transfiguring the taste. "So, what do you want to do?" Sirius asks, looking bored already as soon as he puts his plate down.

"Truth or dare!" James pipes up, deciding that they may as well have fun with one of the girliest games that they played at Hogwarts.

"Truth or dare it is!" Sirius grins, causing Remus to shake his head and groan as he remembers how James had dared Sirius to climb onto the roof of Gryffindor Tower in sixth year for a dare… then blame _him_.

"Truth or dare, Remus?" James turns to the normal one of the group, who shrugs.

"Truth, with your dares," Remus replies, sitting down on the floor again.

"Is it true that you had an affair with McGonagall?" James asks mischievously, a glint in his eyes. Remus' blush does nothing to help him, especially as he ducks his head.

"No, I didn't…" he says slowly, telling the truth but in a manner that has even Snape thinking he did. "I mean, _ew_… she's a bit old for me!"

James sighs, knowing that Remus _always_ tells the truth in truth or dare – it's what makes it so fun! One time, he confessed to smelling the water in the lake incase it had this magical property that could make him handsome.

"James, truth or dare?" Remus asks tiredly, knowing what the answer is going to be.

"Dare!" James says proudly.

"I dare you to eat a fig without transfiguring it," Remus says lamely, never knowing what to give as a dare so going for this simple thing. Snape sits on the far side of the room and wonders what on _earth_ they are doing, instead brewing a small potion in his portable cauldron – all the range for only seven sickles – namely a potion to make everyone besides him in the room fall asleep.

James picks up a fig, shudders, and throws it into his mouth with a shrug that turns into a shaking of absolute horror as he tastes the absolutely _rancid_ fig that has no right to be in this _world_ let alone in his _mouth_!

"That was evil, Moony, evil!" James mutters as the two other Marauders laugh their arse off at his reaction. "Fine, Sirius, truth or dare?" he raises an eyebrow in challenge at the black haired man currently leaning daringly close to the window.

"Dare, of course," he yawns, as if this is just a simple, everyday task.

"I dare you to eat three strands of Snivellius' hair," James shoots back, his eyes glittering evilly behind his glasses. Slowly, the smile fades from Sirius' face as he looks in horror between the entirely unknowing Snape (he got his magical ipod out and is playing this classical woman singer) and his so called best friend.

"No, that is _torture_!" he says, shuddering in absolute horror.

"Do it or you lose," James shoots back, causing Sirius to nod and swallow loudly, moving slowly over to the other man in the room, who just perfects his potion and

BANG!

The three Marauders in the room fall fast asleep as Snape throws the potion at them, himself settling down to read a nice book.

* * *

_Whenever the marauders wake up…_

"Day four hundred and three," James says dramatically as he awakens from a rather pleasant slumber in which he ate fourteen hundred and seventy chocolate cakes to the admiration of all. "We are _still_ trapped in the house I call my home, with Snivellius reading one of my books and sitting in my chair… I say we _attack_!" he roars so loudly that Lily hears him upstairs but continues to ignore them as she tries to escape without there being a death.

The other Marauders look at James with an intrigued expression, hunger causing them to become anthropomorphic as they look at the prize in the corner.

"I agree," the normally docile Lupin says as he feels the sudden lure of a full moon on him. Though the house stops him turning into a werewolf somehow, he still gets _really_ angry and sees Snape as the reason why everything is going wrong. Sirius, as per usual, doesn't like Snape and so wants to attack him.

Whilst they make their battle plans to attack the man three metres away, Snape is… listening to Lily singing and reading a book about a vampire trying to overtake this other vampire by finding out his name means Elf Army in German so uses them to try and take over City Hall by threatening her with them…

"ATTACK!" James roars so loudly that the entire street thinks that he is attacking Lily and so calls the police: the Fidelius charm has a noise limit that has been broken by his roar. Yet, Snape is so engrossed in the book and listening to his lovely Lily that he doesn't hear it, so is _awfully_ surprised when he finds himself suddenly pinned down by three savage Marauders who only want his blood… and meat.

"Cut off the hair," James hisses, handing Sirius a pair of scissors and a glove to use to hold the hair.

"NOOOOO!" Snape cries out in regards to his beloved hair, the only thing that he likes about himself. But he hears the snipping of the scissors and realises that his hair is falling to the floor in huge clumps.

The Marauders decide to taunt Snape for a long while, using various forms of their pranking torture to try and get him to confess the spell… but nothing works.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Lily has cracked how to get the doors open. All she has to do is say "Harry is the chosen one" and she can escape out of the back window with Harry. She doesn't know _why_ she has to say this but it was the first thing that came into her head that works.

"Mummy has you," she says to the tot in her arms as she climbs out of the window and down the guttering to appear in the middle of the street. She sees police cars driving ridiculously fast towards her house, the house that the police won't be able to get into because of the goo stuff and she shudders before shrugging. They shouldn't have gotten themselves into this mess!

She stands on the opposite side of the road with Harry, watching as the police try and break into the house which is refusing to open… so she shakes her head and returns to the house, unlocking the back door with her phrase she decided would work.

"For pete's sake, get out!" she hisses at the four men inside, who are all now having a barney about why Snape's hair is the best – he tricked them into it with the alcohol. As they walk out, they all crawl and are acting as if they have been in there for weeks, rather than not even a day.

"No problem at _all_ officer, we simply had a disagreement about Snape's hair," James uses his charm on the officer, motioning to the now bald Snape who shakes in horror at his lack of hair.

"You look very malnourished," the officer frowns. "Have you been eating right?"

James nods, sticking up for his wife who is fully healthy, but Sirius throws his oar in. "No, we've been locked in and Lily only just let us out! The only thing there was to eat was _figs_!"

"Is this true, ma'am?" the officer asks Lily who blushes but nods, knowing this is the truth and mentioning the short amount of time would be futile with her overexaggerator of a husband.

"Yes, but-" she tries to protest but suddenly finds Harry being ripped from her arms and given to Snape (who grimaces as he gets the distinct impression Harry has just pooed) and herself placed under arrest. "James, help!" she cries but her husband simply stands there and scoffs down the pizza he had ordered earlier.

So, whilst Harry is thrown back in his crib by an unloving Snape, James and Sirius eat food and Remus decides to go hunting for the night, Lily is locked away in a police station, regretting leaving her wand in her house.

And this is _all_ because James didn't go food shopping and wanted to eat pizza!

The moral of the story is, if you are having guests, _don't order pizza_!

Or just don't have Snape as a guest… or Sirius… or both together!

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_Thoughts? Don't fav without reviewing please!_

_Vitzy, hope you liked it hehe XD_

_Vicky xx_


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